Tuesday, February 26, 2008

50 Questions: A Sex MeMe

A friend that is MUCH cooler than me gave me this challenge. OK, Coolio . . . THIS'll teach you to forward racy bulletins to crazy old women!

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Here you go, a survey that is meant to draw you out into the open where all of your friends can see you. If this survey gets you laid, then good for you. Sex is fun and nothing to be ashamed of. Great sex is even better. Opening up can lead to better sex..........be brave, be proud and think beautiful thoughts.............go!!!!!!

50. Have you ever had a threesome?
Three words: Me, Hostess, Twinkies.

49. Was it fun?
It was absolutely delicious

48. When did it happen?
Usually while I am watching my "stories"

47. Was it planned or was it spontaneous?
I hardly think I can declare "spontaneous" when I drove to the Kroger and paid with a check.

46. Describe your perfect threesome?
I think I did.

45. What is the freakiest thing you've ever been a part of?
Well, one time, I switched it up with some really dark Ho Hos.

44. If you've never had a threesome and you'd like to, what kind would it be?
Please refer to Question 1.

43. Have you ever been filmed while having sex?
Yes, but who knew that the Monster Plantation at Six Flags had hidden cameras? Certainly not me . . . or Uuter, the foreign exchange student.

42. Would you want to be?
Actually, I would probably refuse on the grounds that it would steal my soul, but really, I just wouldn't want to see a wide angle high definition shot of my ass.

41. What are you the most skilled at in bed?
Sleeping through puking kids and barking dogs

40. What do you suck at? No pun intended!!!
Sticking to salads.

39. Do you swallow?
Ever met a fat girl that didn't?

38. What about anal?
Well, I mean, I am partial to certain brands (cough cough Hostess), but I wouldn't call it ANAL. Obsessive, maybe.

37. Name someone you've never had sex with but would say yes if they asked......................i triple dog dare you!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Tom Jones, baby!

36. Do you shave your pubic hair?
I actually prefer pincurls, but the bobby pins are really ouchy to sleep on!

35. Do you get off easily?
Every time I drive past the Sonic.

34. How old were you when you lost your virginity?
8. I went to Farrell's Ice Cream parlor at Cumberland Mall, and they marched out this huge Ice Cream zoo, with 30 scoops of goodness, and I have been hooked like a smack addict ever since.

33. Do you think musicians are sexy or trouble?
I think they are generally delightful. I also think they secretly are trolls, since several have lived under my house in my basement.

32. Ever made out with someone of the same sex ?
Some girl thought I was putting the moves on her once, but she just had some hot fudge on her lower lip.

31. What is your absolute favorite position?
Next in line at Brusters Ice Cream!

30. Do you think listening to someone have sex is a turn on?
I think listening to someone have LUNCH is a turnon.

29. Describe your most embarrasing sexual moment?
I remember once, my husband came up behind me, bent me over, roughly pulled down my pants and ravaged me. It was hot, but I'm not sure it was worth forfeiting our Golden Corral priviledges over (the manager said I bent the salad bar.)

28. How quick do you decide if you'd sleep with someone?
How long does it take to cover yourself in sanding sugar?

27. Are you glad a survey like this finally presented itself?
Well, sure, but I am not all that certain that everyone ELSE will be, after reading this.

26. What is the oldest person you've ever slept with?
87. My great aunt, Big Edna, shared my room when she came to visit. She would hit EVERYONE with her cane, except me. She gave ME candy.

25. And the youngest?
Newborn . . .as soon as I brought my dumplings home from the hospital, they slept with me.

24. Do you love oral sex?
Eating an oatmeal cream pie IS oral sex.

23. If you could have sex with a movie star tonight, who would it be?
Willy Wonka . . but the Oompa Loompas scare the hell out of me.

22. Do you look at porn on the internet?
Yes. http://www.russelstover.com/

21. What is your favorite kind of porn?
this is getting really predictable, now.

20. Do you incorporate sex toys on a regular basis?
Is a spork considered a toy?

19. Does your lover do something you don't like? cmon, now is the time to tell 'em
Well . . . . he DOES bogart the whipped cream can, sometimes

18. Have you ever sent nude photos to someone?
Yes, on a bet. He lost.

17. If someone offered you money to do a nude photo shoot, would you?
If they are paying in Girl Scout cookies, well . . . maybe, but I'd probably not be able to be a scout leader after that.

16. On the opposite sex, what body part do you give the most attention?
The fingers. They are usually the part holding the cookies

15. Do you bite?
Not if they hold their palms out flat, and just put the cookie there

14. Spanking.....your thoughts?
Sure, whatever . . . they gotta stay busy while I'm finishing up the Do-Si-Does

13. When is the last time you had amazing sex?
Last week. My husband approached me, and I was amazed he wanted to.

12. When is the last time you had horrible sex?
That was back in my dating days . . . some fucktard brought me fat-free Lorna Doones.

11. Define great sex.......
Me and Tom Jones swimming in a vat of Jelly Bellys.

10. Define horrible sex...........
Me and Ghandi having pillow talk over a shared pita.

9. Has any of these things ever come into play in your sex life? A bruise, blood, pee, a twin, rain, spit, tears, a home made implement.
This reads more like a qualifier question to go on Springer.

8. What part of your naked body is completely off limits?
I'd prefer to never be poked in the eye.

7. Does your body make noises when having sex?
My body is a symphony.

6. Have you ever spoked these words during sex "Fuck me harder"
Close. "Pass the jelly"

5. Sexually, what have you never experienced?
Well, that Springer question probably covers most of it.

4. Do you want to?
Uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. No.

3. Do you want people to read this?
Sure. Everyone needs a chuckle, right?

2. We all masturbate but do you ever watch yourself in a mirror?
Well, I used to, but that snotty prissy prettyboy at the Macy's cosmetics counter said that they were for "customers only".

1. And last but not least and the one question that most of you will puss out on.................Would you have sex with the person that posted this?
As lovely as she is . . . I would be more inclined to split a cupcake with her.

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