How To Drop $3 Large During 1 Week in Myrtle Beach, SC and NOT Have Even 1 Strip Club Experience Under Your Belt, Numero Tres

In the continuing saga of issuing reports from Central Accounting regarding the recent Spring Break Family Vacation, I'd like to revisit something I touched briefly upon in Part 1.

See . . . here's the part that no one tells you. Taking kids to the beach for vacation has VERY LITTLE to do with the actual beach.

You'd think that by the time you square away a nice place to stay on the beach and with pools in close proximity, you would have it made in the shade, right?

Oh, dear reader . . . you could not be MORE mistaken!

Here's the thing. Kids tire of sand in their crack pretty quick. The few that DON'T tire of it can't stay out on the beach all the time, cause they would fry like earthworms on a hot sidewalk.

So, the enterprising parent soon figures out that the vacation must be supplemented with extracurricular kiddie fun.

Enter the Family Fun Centers. In Myrtle Beach, this pretty much centers around a few core activities:

Putt Putt
The Putt Putt courses at Myrtle Beach are like none I have ever encountered. They are 1 part Vegas, 1 part Disney World, and 1 part Master's Tournament in Augusta. I fully expected to see people win green jackets at the end of these things. Here's a few pictures to detail the fantabulousness that makes these courses worth $40-$50 a game (for a family of 4):

When you tire of Putt Putt, there are a few other diversions to capture the hearts of your crumb snatchers (not to mention the extra few dollars in your wallet). This little ride was situated in an outdoor mall, along with a ferris wheel and a couple of other little rides. At $3 a ride per kid, well, these little tooth chippers probably paid the rent on the whole damn place, my guess.

One of the coolest things we stumbled across was a bowling alley situated inside a (once) fabulous (used to be) beachfront resort.

This place had at one time, evidently, been THE PLACE to be, until some moneygrubbing bastard sold the property adjacent to them for a stacked parking lot and turned their oceanview rooms into parkinglot view rooms.

But, you know, they turned lemons into lemonade.

The floor that got screwed by the parking deck? They just said "fuck it" and built one of the most awesome bowling alleys I have ever been in in my entire life.

This place was top notch, state of the art. The attendants typed in your names when you came in the door, and even coded the lanes so that the gutters would pop up ball guards when the kids were up to bowl.

The screens were animated with little cartoons that played after every bowler's turn to let you know how many pins you hit. Totally mechanized.

But to hell with ALL of that . . .the thing that turned this place from cool to awesome was the light up furniture and the nonstop Cosmic Bowling! Even the bar was bathed in cool, everchanging neon!

Totally worth $28 bucks a game for 4 (with shoes, which are sorta mandatory, I guess, it jumped to $36. We played twice.)

How To Drop $3 Large During 1 Week in Myrtle Beach, SC and NOT Have Even 1 Strip Club Experience Under Your Belt, Part Deux

In the interest of full disclosure to all of my readers who have yet to experience the pageantry and majesty of a "Family Vacation" with children, I feel compelled to lay it all out for you.
As I alluded to earlier, the most shocking part is how much it fucking COSTS to take your children away for a week of (mildly entertaining) fun.

Let's take it from the top, shall we?







Our luxe accomodations were worth every penny, let me just start by saying that.

My good buddy, Larry, who I met through EBay last year, hooked us up AGAIN with amazing beachfront condos.

Initially, we were to have a 3 bedroom condo in Myrtle Beach, but as it turns out, we were given 2 2-bedroom condos instead. Since grandparents tagged along for the trip, it was perfect! Both condos overlooked the pool, and were right next to each other. Grandparents got some peace and quiet in the evenings, and were close enough for the kids to run over and show off their seashells, etc.

This place had several indoor AND outdoor pools and hot tubs, a lazy river, game rooms that showed movies all day, all kinds of stuff. Our room had a HUGE jacuzzi tub, and the kid's room had a large bath, too. They even had a washer and dryer in the condo, so no one had to put on cold, wet bathing suits in the morning.

Situated right on the sand, this place even built a little boardwalk straight from the pool to the beach.

We booked with Larry a month before we left, so by the time we left for vacation, we had very nearly forgotten the sting from shelling out $900 for the reservation.

Believe it or not, $900 was a steal, because the condos regularly booked for $1600 apiece for a week.

I was thrilled with our places for $900. I would have stabbed someone in the leg if I had paid $3,200, though. Actually, that might explain the looks on the faces of a few of the other parents we saw down there. I'd be pissed off, too, if I had ponied up full money for this place.

Anyway . . . . it was nice, but for those of you keeping track, we were into it for $1G before we even left the house.

We're Back, Jack!

Well, just like Jesus on Easter Sunday, we are back.


Note: Wow, that was REALLY sacriligious. Sorry about that. I'll say a few Hail Marys while I bite the ears off of this chocolate bunny and share a few of my vacation pictures with you. I'll also have a few funnies to add to My Kid's Krazy Krap, so stay tuned for the hilarity.


Granted, this will just be a little taste of the greatness to come, kinda like chocolate Easter bunnies versus the promise of eternal life, or something. I guess I'd better drop the religions cross-references and get on with the show. So, without further ado, I present Part 1 of . . .


How To Drop $3 Large During 1 Week in Myrtle Beach, SC and NOT Have Even 1 Strip Club Experience Under Your Belt

















Cuplrit #1: Myrtle Beach has turned Putt Putt into an art form unto itself. These courses have everything: animation, light shows, flora and fauna, and oh yeah, it runs about $40-$50 a game for 4, and my kids played pretty much every day. Fore!

Spring Break '06

Well, there were no beer bongs, screaming guys, second degree sunburns, group sex parties or incriminating pictures to live down later, but I had a ball during Spring Break this year.

Hub and I took the kids to North Myrtle Beach, SC, and I can't recommend it highly enough. We never ran out of things to do, the weather was PERfect, and by damn, you couldn't ask for more Putt Putt courses.


Or pancake houses.

Myrtle Beach loves them some pancakes and Putt Putt! Not sure what the deal with that was, but literally on every corner, you either ran smack dab into one or the other - sometimes both!

When we weren't on the beach, we were in the heated outdoor pool of our fantabulous condo, or the 2 heated outdoor hot tubs, or the indoor pool, OR the indoor hot tub. Swanky.

When we weren't soaking our bods, we were out seeing what there was to see, eating what there was to eat, and doing what there was to do. And there was alot of everything!





One of the coolest things we did was visit a place called MagiQuest. We completely dorked out, running around this virtual castle/fairy/crypt/dungeon playsite like nimrods, waving our magic wands and giggling when all manner of magic happened.
Coolest place ever.








And holy crap - the Ripley's Aquarium was amazing. I pet a skate, we saw sharks, all kinds of crazy fish, octopus, jellyfish, living coral - that was one of the best parts of the week!

The kids LOVED the ghetto Build-A-Bear workshop - I think it was called Construct a Teddy or something equally infringing on the copyright.

OH, and everywhere we went, we had a chance to squash a penny into a momento of the occasion, attraction, or town. And squash we did!

If you've never been . . . by all means go. It was a hoot.