Tuesday, February 26, 2008

50 Questions: A Sex MeMe

A friend that is MUCH cooler than me gave me this challenge. OK, Coolio . . . THIS'll teach you to forward racy bulletins to crazy old women!

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

Here you go, a survey that is meant to draw you out into the open where all of your friends can see you. If this survey gets you laid, then good for you. Sex is fun and nothing to be ashamed of. Great sex is even better. Opening up can lead to better sex..........be brave, be proud and think beautiful thoughts.............go!!!!!!

50. Have you ever had a threesome?
Three words: Me, Hostess, Twinkies.

49. Was it fun?
It was absolutely delicious

48. When did it happen?
Usually while I am watching my "stories"

47. Was it planned or was it spontaneous?
I hardly think I can declare "spontaneous" when I drove to the Kroger and paid with a check.

46. Describe your perfect threesome?
I think I did.

45. What is the freakiest thing you've ever been a part of?
Well, one time, I switched it up with some really dark Ho Hos.

44. If you've never had a threesome and you'd like to, what kind would it be?
Please refer to Question 1.

43. Have you ever been filmed while having sex?
Yes, but who knew that the Monster Plantation at Six Flags had hidden cameras? Certainly not me . . . or Uuter, the foreign exchange student.

42. Would you want to be?
Actually, I would probably refuse on the grounds that it would steal my soul, but really, I just wouldn't want to see a wide angle high definition shot of my ass.

41. What are you the most skilled at in bed?
Sleeping through puking kids and barking dogs

40. What do you suck at? No pun intended!!!
Sticking to salads.

39. Do you swallow?
Ever met a fat girl that didn't?

38. What about anal?
Well, I mean, I am partial to certain brands (cough cough Hostess), but I wouldn't call it ANAL. Obsessive, maybe.

37. Name someone you've never had sex with but would say yes if they asked......................i triple dog dare you!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Tom Jones, baby!

36. Do you shave your pubic hair?
I actually prefer pincurls, but the bobby pins are really ouchy to sleep on!

35. Do you get off easily?
Every time I drive past the Sonic.

34. How old were you when you lost your virginity?
8. I went to Farrell's Ice Cream parlor at Cumberland Mall, and they marched out this huge Ice Cream zoo, with 30 scoops of goodness, and I have been hooked like a smack addict ever since.

33. Do you think musicians are sexy or trouble?
I think they are generally delightful. I also think they secretly are trolls, since several have lived under my house in my basement.

32. Ever made out with someone of the same sex ?
Some girl thought I was putting the moves on her once, but she just had some hot fudge on her lower lip.

31. What is your absolute favorite position?
Next in line at Brusters Ice Cream!

30. Do you think listening to someone have sex is a turn on?
I think listening to someone have LUNCH is a turnon.

29. Describe your most embarrasing sexual moment?
I remember once, my husband came up behind me, bent me over, roughly pulled down my pants and ravaged me. It was hot, but I'm not sure it was worth forfeiting our Golden Corral priviledges over (the manager said I bent the salad bar.)

28. How quick do you decide if you'd sleep with someone?
How long does it take to cover yourself in sanding sugar?

27. Are you glad a survey like this finally presented itself?
Well, sure, but I am not all that certain that everyone ELSE will be, after reading this.

26. What is the oldest person you've ever slept with?
87. My great aunt, Big Edna, shared my room when she came to visit. She would hit EVERYONE with her cane, except me. She gave ME candy.

25. And the youngest?
Newborn . . .as soon as I brought my dumplings home from the hospital, they slept with me.

24. Do you love oral sex?
Eating an oatmeal cream pie IS oral sex.

23. If you could have sex with a movie star tonight, who would it be?
Willy Wonka . . but the Oompa Loompas scare the hell out of me.

22. Do you look at porn on the internet?
Yes. http://www.russelstover.com/

21. What is your favorite kind of porn?
this is getting really predictable, now.

20. Do you incorporate sex toys on a regular basis?
Is a spork considered a toy?

19. Does your lover do something you don't like? cmon, now is the time to tell 'em
Well . . . . he DOES bogart the whipped cream can, sometimes

18. Have you ever sent nude photos to someone?
Yes, on a bet. He lost.

17. If someone offered you money to do a nude photo shoot, would you?
If they are paying in Girl Scout cookies, well . . . maybe, but I'd probably not be able to be a scout leader after that.

16. On the opposite sex, what body part do you give the most attention?
The fingers. They are usually the part holding the cookies

15. Do you bite?
Not if they hold their palms out flat, and just put the cookie there

14. Spanking.....your thoughts?
Sure, whatever . . . they gotta stay busy while I'm finishing up the Do-Si-Does

13. When is the last time you had amazing sex?
Last week. My husband approached me, and I was amazed he wanted to.

12. When is the last time you had horrible sex?
That was back in my dating days . . . some fucktard brought me fat-free Lorna Doones.

11. Define great sex.......
Me and Tom Jones swimming in a vat of Jelly Bellys.

10. Define horrible sex...........
Me and Ghandi having pillow talk over a shared pita.

9. Has any of these things ever come into play in your sex life? A bruise, blood, pee, a twin, rain, spit, tears, a home made implement.
This reads more like a qualifier question to go on Springer.

8. What part of your naked body is completely off limits?
I'd prefer to never be poked in the eye.

7. Does your body make noises when having sex?
My body is a symphony.

6. Have you ever spoked these words during sex "Fuck me harder"
Close. "Pass the jelly"

5. Sexually, what have you never experienced?
Well, that Springer question probably covers most of it.

4. Do you want to?
Uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. No.

3. Do you want people to read this?
Sure. Everyone needs a chuckle, right?

2. We all masturbate but do you ever watch yourself in a mirror?
Well, I used to, but that snotty prissy prettyboy at the Macy's cosmetics counter said that they were for "customers only".

1. And last but not least and the one question that most of you will puss out on.................Would you have sex with the person that posted this?
As lovely as she is . . . I would be more inclined to split a cupcake with her.

Monday, February 25, 2008

Weekend Spree

Nope, not a killing spree, unless you count my checkbook. It was a shopping spree . . . a rarity for me, but since the entire house was bare of any semblance of food and my daughter's ankles and belly were beginning to show from her recent growth spurt, it was time to take out all the stops.

I'm not sure when this happened, but my girl, who measured a modest 5'2 in Sept 07, is now nearly 5'8. It's a source of delight for her to take any opportunity to "measure up" to me and giggle, since she is beginning to tower over her mom. That's a pretty cool thing for a 12 year old to be able to do, actually. I usually play it off, telling her that her tennis shoes are taller than my sandals, or that I can always get taller with more hair teasing, but even I have had to relent this past month or so that she is definitely taller than me. I just wonder how tall she WILL be. It will be fun to watch.

With all of this growing, she has become more choosy and aware of her clothing. Never one to want "hoochie" clothing, she shies away from scanty things, but she dearly loves tights and skirts, so that was the order of the day. Like her mom, Miss Rachael loves a bargain, and she and I traipsed into Goodwill and found 6 Papagallo and Liz Claiborne skirts that seemed to have never been worn, in beautiful colors, for $4 each. New (tall) tights, spring skirts, and plenty of flat shoes (in the next size up) were soon in our possession to get her pretty self ready for spring. She was so excited, she actually got up early this morning and dressed up for school. I wish I had had a camera handy. Hell, I wish I had had lucidity handy, for that matter. I do remember, groggily, that she looked lovely.

Once we had her squared away, she and I moved on to the next order of business . . . feeding the creatures.

Now that we have 3 dogs, we have to provide adequate sustenance for them. The little chihuahua girls have a bit of a tough time with dry food, so we found little packets of gravy and soft meat squares (Pedigree Little Champions) that they love very much. Weenie the Wonder Dog loves them, too, so what it boils down to is that we use 2 packets a day (the little girls split one) along with a sprinkle of dry Science Diet. All of that equals expensive . . . the packets are about 79 cents each, and the dry dog food is 10 bucks a bag. Doing some quick math, I figured that we are spending $65 - $70 a month just on their food, not to mention their heartworm meds, and flea drops (and adorable clothing, another requirement).

ANYWAY . . . not much chance of the dry food getting cheaper, it is what it is. BUT . . . I found a deal on the same packets at the local Big Lots; they were nearly half of the petstore price already . . . and for some reason, Big Lots was having a Customer Appreciation sale this weekend that took an additional 20% off whatever you bought . . . . so Miss Rachael and I did some vigilante shopping at 2 locations.

2 hours later, we were driving home a heavily laden car, with enough dog food packets to last my creatures 6 months (that's a lotta packets, considering we use 60 a month). It worked out to about 34 cents each. Not bad. They are all stacked nicely on a storage shelf in my garage, each with expirations late into next year (I checked).
Let's see . . .what else did we get? Just some odds and ends, mostly, some nice new walking collars and leashes for the creatures, some nice snacks for the kids and their friends, who are ALWAYS starving when they get home, and refills on all of the shampoos, soaps, etc.

And one of the BEST deals I found was on Pilot Dr. Grip pens. I use these pens at trivia every week, and when I could find them, they were 8-9 bucks apiece. For no discernible reason, I have been unable to find them anywhere. Good ol Big Lots had them for 3 bucks apiece, and I got one in every color!

I love that damn place.

Saturday, February 9, 2008


What does one do when the spark is seemingly gone?

Why, get a makeover, of course!

I love this little blog, I swear I do, but I have not been motivated to post much of anything lately. I click on the page now and then, and see that familiar layout, and that same picture, and the same old fonts and the same old lists.

And then I end up posting the same 'ol dumb crap.

Where is the fire? Where is the intensity that we once had, in the early days, when I couldn't wait to create a new post? What happened to that woman that had to limit herself to a post a day?

I'm hoping that by making the blog look different, I'll be more eager to interact with it again, and I'll get the ol' creative juices flowing. Kind of like a bored husband putting a blonde wig and hooker shoes on his old saggy wife, I guess. Hope springs eternal.

You probably didn't need that image, I am guessing.

Tuesday, February 5, 2008

Ch-ch-ch-ch-Changes . . .

I hate change.

Not the silver, shiny kind. I like that.

I mean, I hate when people or things that I have come to rely upon change. It's hard for me to cope with. Character flaw, I guess.

So, yeah . . . the older I get, the more I find that I hate change. Strangely enough, though, I sort of constantly crave new things - as long as the new things don't take away any of my OLD things, that is.

For example, I have never lived outside of Georgia (probably because I hate change.) I don't mind traveling; I enjoy seeing new places, but I want to come back to my OLD place.

Another example, you say? Well . . . I embrace new technology (I started thinking of Kip singing his "Technology" song at the end of Napoleon Dynamite, and actually laughed. The dogs are still staring at me.) I love my iPod, and I like being able to carry tons of music with me. Tons of OLD music, that is.

As I pen this, there are lots of changes afoot for me personally and for some of my close friends and family. Some are moving on to new things, and some are just flat moving on. It's hard for me to sit back and see them struggle, even when the change is probably for the better.

All change is hard for me, but it's the changes that lead to loss that are the hardest for me to accept, I think. Even when someone has a good excuse for leaving (like, say, dying), I still feel a little resentful toward them.

Evidently, I don't like being left. Again, yeah . . . character flaw.

You know, I always thought getting older would make you wiser and able to accept what comes more gracefully. Not so, evidently.

Motto for 2008: "Embrace Change"
My inner monologue, in response: "Fuck you, I'm not changing a damn thing"

Yeah, I gotta work on that.

Sunday, February 3, 2008

Boys and puppies . . .

. . . are alike in alot of ways.

They both run a mile a minute and drive you crazy when they are awake.

And they are both unbelieveably adorable when they are asleep.
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