The Spoils of War

In honor of my new best friend that doesn't know I'm alive yet (cough cough ardsaleYay eenQuay), I ventured out to a community sale this morning, as I often do this time of year, and got some freaking fantastic stuff.

Since I am building myself a new office downstairs, I have been in the market for furniture, lamps, pictures, etc. I was able to find a few things off my list. One lady had 2 black torch lamps that became mine for a mere $4 apiece.


I then found a gorgeous black lamp with an exquisite shade. The lamp was HEAVY, and really well-made (it really does pay to yardsale in expensive neighborhoods). The shade alone was probably $40 - $50 bucks, and I estimated the lamp base was probably in the $30 - $40 neighborhood, as well.

The lamp was initially marked $20, which was a steal, but since I am NEVER above haggling, I offered a tenner. We settled on $15 and the lamp was mine. Booyah!

I plan to set up a coffee kitchen next to my new office, and I was very excited to see these Pfaltzgraf coffee cups for 25 cents each. Even at the Pfaltzgraf outlets, these cups usually run somewhere around $6 apiece (I have collected this pottery for years, and can spot it a mile away). The lady had NO IDEA what she had, nor chould she do math very well, because she accepted $1.50 for all seven.

I also got a large Ansel Adams black framed print of an evening sky (really nicely framed with glass) for 3 bucks, and that same lady had a pretty set of barware glasses for 50 cents each, along with a funky set of wine bottle candleholders (we plan to put a bar downstairs, too.) Score!

Last but not least, the children made out like bandits. The Boy used his money wisely and purchased a Darth Tater Mr. Potato Head for a mere buck (still in the box) and a HUGE box of new Crayolas with a sharpener for ANOTHER buck.

Sweet girl and her friend scored a couple of purses from their favorite preteen store, Limited Too. The little purses usually run about $20 at the store, and they got these for a buck a pop. The girls very soon understood the value of a good yardsale.

Last, but not least, I scored a Rubbermaid tote full of Lincoln Logs for the boy for 5 smackers. Outside of the black lamp, this might have been the deal of the day.

EToys has the Lincoln log sets anywhere from $25 - $75 each, and I figured that we have at LEAST 2 large sets in this tote, maybe 3.

Hell, the TOTE costs nearly 5 bucks, so that was a great buy.

You know, a few years ago, this became a bit of an obsession for me . . . yardsaleing and EBaying. Today, I remembered why.

What a rush.

There Goes My Hero

Ya'll.

Check out my newest online hero. May I present: YardSale Queen

She's not JUST a yardsale queen. She's also a couponer, and a mom, and a thrift store shopper.

And she doesn't know it yet, but she is my new best friend.

Through the Looking Glass

Oh man, I love "Shear Genius".

Yep. I know what you are thinking. "Come on, ANOTHER reality show. Spare me your babble."

But this one is different. This one has hairstylists!

Very few people know this about me, but in my fantasy life, I AM a hairstylist. You know, that life you think you'd have if things had gone down a different path.


Yep, in my fantasy life, I am a kick-ass hairstylist, and I have my own shop, and a list of clients that let me do whatever I want to to their tresses.

And they all love me.

Fantasy Rita is also slightly younger. And thinner.

Anyway.

I do get to pretend I am a hairstylist a little bit. I mean, I cut my OWN hair. I have for years. I cut my husband's hair, and my kids' hair. I recently even cut my dog's hair. Hell, I'd cut YOUR hair, if you'd let me.


SO . . . Shear Genius lets me live vicariously through 12 kick ass hairstylists as they wrestle each other for the top spot. It's even hosted by Jacklyn Smith, the QUEEN of great hair.







(nicked from the site)

Shear Genius, airing Wednesdays on Bravo, is an eight-week competition with a Nexxus apprenticeship, an Allure magazine photo spread, and $100,000 in "seed money" at stake. The cast members include stylists from South Africa, France, the U.K., Australia (Tabatha) and throughout the United States.


THIS girl (Tabatha) is my favorite. She looks like she'd cut your hair AND beat your ass, to boot.

She's my choice to win, but honestly, they are all really good.

The "THE" Thing

I feel like I discovered the Rosetta Stone or something.

The other night, I was having dinner with my friend Judd, and explaining to him that I felt self-conscious when chatting with my west coast friends, because of certain Southern idioms, idiosyncracies, and just plain 'ol wierd things we Southerners interject into our coversation.

Most notably, the use of the word "the". Let me explain.

Very often, when I am not really concentrating, I will let fly with something like, "I have to go to the SuperTarget later."

For some reason, this elicited giggles from my non-Southern friends, or at the very least, polite questions. "Why do you call it 'the SuperTarget'?"

Up until now, I haven't had a good answer. "I just DO, I don't know, its a Southern thing."

BUT . . . . Friday night, as I sat at a festive table at a Mexican restaurant dining with my friend Judd, I was handed the golden light of wisdom.

"The use of "the" as an article when referring to a specific location," mused Judd, in between bites of sopapillo, "indicates the implied presence of the exact location of the store."

I sat there, blinking, not really comprehending. Nibbling on a chip, I urged him to continue to impart his wisdom, and he layed it out.

"Well, for instance . . . . saying 'the' Target implies that the other party would either know the location or ask you for more information. If you say you are going to THE Target, they will either nod knowingly, or ask "which one?" and you will respond "the Target on Oak Drive . . ." or whatever. We Southerners have incorporated this into our way of commuicating. Simple as that.

I shared this with Kirk this morning via IM, feeling sure that I had finally solved the riddle. He opined, "Maybe it's because when you get a store in your town in the South, it's a big deal, like THE Walmart, because there is only one." I agreed that this was just as reasonable an explanation as any. He went on to say, "Southerners (maybe he said hicks) are retarded, sorry."

Hmm. He might be right. Anyway, I gotta go to the Kroger and get something for lunch. Later, ya'll.

How To Drop $3 Large During 1 Week in Myrtle Beach, SC and NOT Have Even 1 Strip Club Experience Under Your Belt, Numero Tres

In the continuing saga of issuing reports from Central Accounting regarding the recent Spring Break Family Vacation, I'd like to revisit something I touched briefly upon in Part 1.

See . . . here's the part that no one tells you. Taking kids to the beach for vacation has VERY LITTLE to do with the actual beach.

You'd think that by the time you square away a nice place to stay on the beach and with pools in close proximity, you would have it made in the shade, right?

Oh, dear reader . . . you could not be MORE mistaken!

Here's the thing. Kids tire of sand in their crack pretty quick. The few that DON'T tire of it can't stay out on the beach all the time, cause they would fry like earthworms on a hot sidewalk.

So, the enterprising parent soon figures out that the vacation must be supplemented with extracurricular kiddie fun.

Enter the Family Fun Centers. In Myrtle Beach, this pretty much centers around a few core activities:

Putt Putt
The Putt Putt courses at Myrtle Beach are like none I have ever encountered. They are 1 part Vegas, 1 part Disney World, and 1 part Master's Tournament in Augusta. I fully expected to see people win green jackets at the end of these things. Here's a few pictures to detail the fantabulousness that makes these courses worth $40-$50 a game (for a family of 4):

When you tire of Putt Putt, there are a few other diversions to capture the hearts of your crumb snatchers (not to mention the extra few dollars in your wallet). This little ride was situated in an outdoor mall, along with a ferris wheel and a couple of other little rides. At $3 a ride per kid, well, these little tooth chippers probably paid the rent on the whole damn place, my guess.

One of the coolest things we stumbled across was a bowling alley situated inside a (once) fabulous (used to be) beachfront resort.

This place had at one time, evidently, been THE PLACE to be, until some moneygrubbing bastard sold the property adjacent to them for a stacked parking lot and turned their oceanview rooms into parkinglot view rooms.

But, you know, they turned lemons into lemonade.

The floor that got screwed by the parking deck? They just said "fuck it" and built one of the most awesome bowling alleys I have ever been in in my entire life.

This place was top notch, state of the art. The attendants typed in your names when you came in the door, and even coded the lanes so that the gutters would pop up ball guards when the kids were up to bowl.

The screens were animated with little cartoons that played after every bowler's turn to let you know how many pins you hit. Totally mechanized.

But to hell with ALL of that . . .the thing that turned this place from cool to awesome was the light up furniture and the nonstop Cosmic Bowling! Even the bar was bathed in cool, everchanging neon!

Totally worth $28 bucks a game for 4 (with shoes, which are sorta mandatory, I guess, it jumped to $36. We played twice.)

Forgot to say . . .

Oh yeah, forgot to say . . . . Happy Belated Easter.

How To Drop $3 Large During 1 Week in Myrtle Beach, SC and NOT Have Even 1 Strip Club Experience Under Your Belt, Part Deux

In the interest of full disclosure to all of my readers who have yet to experience the pageantry and majesty of a "Family Vacation" with children, I feel compelled to lay it all out for you.
As I alluded to earlier, the most shocking part is how much it fucking COSTS to take your children away for a week of (mildly entertaining) fun.

Let's take it from the top, shall we?







Our luxe accomodations were worth every penny, let me just start by saying that.

My good buddy, Larry, who I met through EBay last year, hooked us up AGAIN with amazing beachfront condos.

Initially, we were to have a 3 bedroom condo in Myrtle Beach, but as it turns out, we were given 2 2-bedroom condos instead. Since grandparents tagged along for the trip, it was perfect! Both condos overlooked the pool, and were right next to each other. Grandparents got some peace and quiet in the evenings, and were close enough for the kids to run over and show off their seashells, etc.

This place had several indoor AND outdoor pools and hot tubs, a lazy river, game rooms that showed movies all day, all kinds of stuff. Our room had a HUGE jacuzzi tub, and the kid's room had a large bath, too. They even had a washer and dryer in the condo, so no one had to put on cold, wet bathing suits in the morning.

Situated right on the sand, this place even built a little boardwalk straight from the pool to the beach.

We booked with Larry a month before we left, so by the time we left for vacation, we had very nearly forgotten the sting from shelling out $900 for the reservation.

Believe it or not, $900 was a steal, because the condos regularly booked for $1600 apiece for a week.

I was thrilled with our places for $900. I would have stabbed someone in the leg if I had paid $3,200, though. Actually, that might explain the looks on the faces of a few of the other parents we saw down there. I'd be pissed off, too, if I had ponied up full money for this place.

Anyway . . . . it was nice, but for those of you keeping track, we were into it for $1G before we even left the house.

We're Back, Jack!

Well, just like Jesus on Easter Sunday, we are back.


Note: Wow, that was REALLY sacriligious. Sorry about that. I'll say a few Hail Marys while I bite the ears off of this chocolate bunny and share a few of my vacation pictures with you. I'll also have a few funnies to add to My Kid's Krazy Krap, so stay tuned for the hilarity.


Granted, this will just be a little taste of the greatness to come, kinda like chocolate Easter bunnies versus the promise of eternal life, or something. I guess I'd better drop the religions cross-references and get on with the show. So, without further ado, I present Part 1 of . . .


How To Drop $3 Large During 1 Week in Myrtle Beach, SC and NOT Have Even 1 Strip Club Experience Under Your Belt

















Cuplrit #1: Myrtle Beach has turned Putt Putt into an art form unto itself. These courses have everything: animation, light shows, flora and fauna, and oh yeah, it runs about $40-$50 a game for 4, and my kids played pretty much every day. Fore!