Monday, April 6, 2009

Coming Clean

So, ok . . . enough of the smoke and mirrors. Enough of the avoidance.

This blog has always been a place where I could come and lay it all down, and I have never failed to receive support and encouragement. It's interesting that I abandoned it when I needed my friends the most.

That's me . . .

It's really difficult for me to say that I am getting divorced. I flinch every time I tell someone. It's hard to see the look of shock on their faces, and its harder to endure the questions. But, that's the nature of the situation, isn't it? People that have grown to care about me and my little family WILL be shocked, and they WILL be upset, and they will be concerned for the kids, and they will wonder why, and they will want some resolution.

That's the hardest part to give them. Resolution.

It's like exposing an open wound, really. Everything in my being wants to cover it up and hide it from the world. I want it to go away as quietly and quickly as possible. I want to spare my kids and my family and my friends all the hurt, and details, and worry.

I can't stand making people worry. I always feel compelled to fix it.

I've faced some of the same discomfort with my gastric bypass surgery, actually. I didn't want to worry anyone, and it seemed that everyone around me ran around screaming when I announced that I was going to have it. I didn't have time to be scared; I was too busy calming everyone else.

When the surgery went well, and the weight started to come off, people around me breathed a collective sigh of relief.

Just in time for this.

It's natural for everyone to assume the surgery and the weight loss caused the divorce.

It didn't.

What it did was give me the strength I needed to face it.

To every person that asks, I can say these things with no reservations:

I tried to make my marriage work for a very, very long time.

I am grateful for the marriage, because I have 2 beautiful children that I treasure.

I am also grateful that I am healthier, and I am employed, and that I have the support of my family and my friends. Thank you all.

Most of all, I am hopeful for my future, and my children's future. At a time when the country and most of its people are facing terrible crises, I feel like I am just hitting my stride.

And I promise to stop hiding.

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