Monday, May 22, 2006

The DiVinci Code - A review

So, Hub and I ventured out to see The DiVinci Code last night with our good friend, Judd. This is an unusual thing, because we usually watch Netflix movies at home, on the sofa in our livingroom, quietly, after the kids are asleep.

I had caught some of the buzz around the release of the book, ditto for the movie. I really didn't have any preconceived notions going in, since I didn't ever bother to actually read the book, or any movie reviews. Hub was just excited to be there ; he's always up to see ANYTHING that gets the bible thumpers upset.

The theater was packed; we had to sit in the bottom section, leaned back and looking straight up at the screen. That was cool, though . . . the theater served Slurpees and we bought some good, hot popcorn and enjoyed some contraband candy from my pocketbook.

OK, on with the show. The following is my review/opinion/outlook/perception. Take it for what it's worth. Better yet, take it for what you paid for it: nada. Standard disclaimers apply. Your mileage may vary. Thankyoudrivethrough.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

From the start, you know this is going to be one of those intellectual movies. Translation: you have to pay close attention. There's a bunch of flashes of art, and museums, and then all of a sudden, Forest Gump is lecturing about doodles or something like that.

Out of nowhere, Doc Oc strolls into a church, dressed like a pimp priest with gold chains, cellphone and a beanie hat. Edgar Winter is his own personal Albino Odd Job, killing nuns with bricks.

Meanwhile, the camera flashes back to the museum, and some old dude that looks like The Man off Chico and The Man is running away from Albino Odd Job, who's wearing a monk robe and sandals. Albino Odd Job shoots the old dude, and then he leaves to go beat himself bloody for Jesus.

Afer that, we're back with Forest Gump, signing books at a Barnes and Noble (I might have missed something here; I was fishing out my contraband Raisinettes from my pocketbook in the dark.) Some french cop shows him a picture of The Man all hacked up and bloody, and then Forrest and the cop go back to the museum.

The Man is nude on the floor of the museum (could have done without that) with a big bloody star on his chest, but somewhere in between getting shot and laying spreadeagled there with the blood star, he had time to write a bunch of invisible puzzle shit all over the floor and walls. French Cop is psychic or something, cause he shines one of those lights that the undercover news uses to shine on cheap motels to light up spooge left all over the dirty covers to reveal the invisible puzzles.

All of a sudden, that chick from Pretty Woman walks in, except she's Mexican, but has a French accent. She and Forrest end up in the men's room, chunking bars of soap at passing cars. I was thinking that the soap must be valuable, cause a whole city's worth of cops start chasing a garbage truck. While they are doing that, Forrest and Mexican-French Pretty Woman (MFPW for short) start getting psychic like the cops and running around the museum, and they find a cool magic key, and end up driving to this supercool Swiss bank. The magic key unlocks a safety deposit box, and they open it to find some kind of secret glasses case, and I guess they won something, cause the Swiss dude that runs the bank gives them a free ride into the woods in an armored truck. But then he starts shooting them, like fish in a barrel, and he is a lousy shot, and Forrest clocks him with the truck door and leaves him for dead, which was cool.

After that, Forrest and MFPW start playing The Amazing Race, driving all over the place and looking for clues. They're also dodging cops, like those episodes of The Monkees where The Monkees run in and out of hallway doors, just missing the dudes chasing them. Anyway, they keep hunting for clues, and jabbering about history that I didn't understand, but they end up at Gandolph's house, but Gandolph is all jacked up and his cool robes and long hair are all gone. Anyway, he lives in Wayne Manor and has a suave butler who makes tea while he looks at the glasses case and starts a PowerPoint presentation for MFPW about Jesus getting into some chick's "chalise", if you know what I mean. Long story short, the glasses case has a magic Rubick's Cube full of piss and a map, or something.

Just about that time, MFPW starts having acid flashbacks of her grandfather, Old Dude. She saw him out in a garage when she was kid, and he was in a circlejerk dressed up like The Man In The Iron Mask while some other dude was nailing some chick on a table. She bolted, and hadn't really seen the Old Man since, until she saw him toes-up on the museum floor. While she's contemplating all this, Albino Odd Job shows up and starts kicking ass, but Gandolph totally cockblocks him with his canes, and they duct tape that dude up 9 ways from Sunday, which he probably likes, according to the shots of him smacking himself with whips and chains and shit.

So, all three of them pick The Amazing Race back up, driving in a hot Mercedes SUV through the forest, and getting into a plane. Albino Odd Job is along for the ride, looking crazy and MFPW rips the tape off his mouth long enough for him to totally call her out. When they land, they make a quick getaway only to have the butler turncoat on them and take the Rubik's Cube. Forrest and MFPW run like hell, leaving crippled Gandolph for dead, and Albino Odd Job and butler dude ride away, kissing, with Gandolph in the trunk. Butler swings by and drops off Odd Job, who ends up full of bullets about 5 minutes later, but not BEFORE he pumps lead into Doc Oc.

By that time, the Slurpee was kicking in, and I had to pee, so my attention started to wander.

Anyway, by this time, it looks like the Butler did it, cause he has money AND the Rubik's Cube. He's chilling on the side of the road, sipping off a flask, and he keels over dead. Before you know it, Forrest and MFPW find their last clue and bust ass to get to that pad where you see Phil and find out what place you're in, and damned if Gandolph isn't there with a gun, telling them to solve the cube to keep the piss from ruining the map.

As you'd expect, Gandolph goes into a typical evil guy monologue, and Forrest is on his knees, dreaming up shit to try. He turns all Rain Man, crunching numbers and halucinating planets, then tosses the Rubik's cube in the air. Somehow the cops come and haul Gandolph away, by now blubbering like a retard.

Forrest and MFPW sort of meander out of there, and Forrest had pulled a fast one. He had one last clue in his pocket, and they took off to find some dead chick in a box. They ended up in some underground library, and Forrest looked at an org chart and figured out that MFPW was like Jesus' great niece twice removed. Evidently, that was the penalty flag for Forrest's libidometer, cause he was all forehead kissing and hands off once he found out that her great grandfather was Jesus. Unnailable.

After (I assume) he returns to his hotel to rub one out, he cuts his face shaving, and that makes him run out into the street and climb on a jungle gym.

Well, that's about it. All in all, it was good. Kind of confusing, but good. It's probably as true as all the other fairytales in that big book.

No comments:

There was an error in this gadget