Presurgery - Day 2

So . . . this feels familiar.

I'm on Atkins again, but this time, its to shrink my liver for surgery. My doctor requires 2 weeks of low carbing in preparation for the procedure. Evidently, carbs make the liver "fatty" and firm, and it needs to be small and flexible to be moved aside and lifted to accomodate the bypass.

Surprisingly, I haven't had any cravings for restricted stuff. Normally, I'd be tempted, but not this time. It feels like I am able to stick to the plan, because I am moving toward something that is finally going to work for me.

I can't recall how many times I have lost 30 or 40 pounds. I really can't - that's how many times I have done it. It's a vicious cycle: lose the weight, feel better, plateau or bounce, and gain it back, plus some. Not that I think that the surgery is magic, but it will be a HUGE help for me to keep moving toward my goal weight and not fight so hard.

I'm so tired of fighting.

Getting the surgery feels like winning and losing at the same time. I feel like I finally won because it was so hard to get to this place. It was hard to find the right doctors, it was hard to get approval, it was hard to wait, it was hard to be denied over and over. At the same time, I feel like I lost because I couldn't do it on my own, because I have to resort to major surgery to attain a normal weight and regain my health.

Thin in a year. It still amazes me to even consider that.

Finally . . .

My bariatric surgery is scheduled for September 10.

I'm kind of stunned, really.

I've thought about/pursued/fought for/filed appeals for this surgery for more than 10 years now. Funny how easy it has been this time around. The insurance company didn't bat an eye, and I've been able to easily extract myself from work long enough to have the surgery and recuperate.

I'm saying my goodbyes to alot of things . . . my favorite foods, my back pain, my big clothes, my cabinet full of medications, my lethargy, my relucatance to move around, my hesitation to engage in exercise, my unconscious eating, all of it.

I think I'm ready, but then again, its hard to know what to expect. I've read stories, talked with others, read MORE stories, but I think it's kind of like being pregnant. You can hear all about it, but the only way you can KNOW what it's like is to actually BE pregnant. Kind of like that, I'm sure.

The kids are excited for me. They keep talking about what we'll be able to do next year, and it dawned on me that my weight has not only stopped ME from being active, it has stopped them, too. I guess generational obesity really is genetic and environmental. I'm hoping that my recovery from obesity will give me the energy and strength to instill a love of movement and exercise in my kids that I have never had.

We have big plans: water parks next summer. Travel. Skating. Bowling. Riding our bikes at the park. Riding rollercoasters at Six Flags. Things that I haven't been able to do.

Some people would probably view bariatric surgery as being hauled off to the gallows, never enjoying anything again. I'm just the opposite . . . I'm looking forward to escaping this prison and being set free.

42 years old. It's about time.